In thinking about my message around Pride this year, I have been reflecting on how far we’ve come. I’ve been thinking about how much progress has been made and how personal that progress is for me.
When I came out to my family, let’s just say they weren’t in a rush to go sign up for PFLAG nor did they say, “We can’t wait to start inviting your girlfriends to holiday gatherings!” I guess I felt lucky to have a family that didn’t outright reject me, but they were definitely not excited about my revelation.
My family was and is very conservative leaning. And I came out in the mid 90’s when things were very, very different than they are today. Gay people didn’t have anything close to the visibility we have today. Simply being gay was a hotly debated political topic, with the legalization of gay marriage still 20 years away. The notion that you could have a “normal” life while being gay was a foreign concept to a lot of people, including my family. (If you’re under 40 you’re thinking “What??” and if you’re over 40, you’re probably nodding your head.)
30 years ago, asking my family to accept their gay daughter was a bit like trying to ask a feral mustang to accept a saddle…then execute the perfect piaffe. It was not logical to them, and they feared what it meant. I could have tried to “beat” them into acceptance. But that probably would have resulted in them bolting or wanting nothing to do with me. For me, patience was going to be the key. I wasn’t going to go away, back down or change who I was; my choice was (and is) to live my life exactly as I am. Like horses, as people are able to investigate and explore things they’re afraid of, the hope is that their fear turns into curiosity and eventually acceptance.
30 years later, it’s clear that the patient approach worked. My family and I have come a long way; time has a way of changing people’s hearts and minds.
While our views on the world – both personally and politically – are still very different, we’ve made peace around my being gay. My family loves my wife and they have great respect for our love and our relationship. Sometimes things just take patience and tenacity. Thankfully, it did not take 30 full years to get here but it has been a journey. And the world has changed alongside us.
As I reflect on Pride this year, I am reminded that while the world is far from perfect, it has become a safer, more welcoming place for the LGBTQIA community. I am proud of the progress that has been made, of the hearts and minds that have been changed along the way. I am proud of people like my 85-year-old conservative parents, who’ve allowed themselves the space to change because loving their daughter was more important than “being right” – no pun intended.
To anyone out there who’s struggling to come to terms with their identity, the world is waiting for you to blossom into your most authentic self, whatever that looks like. It takes courage to be yourself, especially if who you are feels different from what you see all around you. But your path is yours to choose. Life is going to be full of ups and downs but knowing who you are and being grounded in that truth will always be the best and strongest foundation from which to live a full and happy life. And, trust me, things really do get better.
To be yourself in a world that is constantly
trying to make you something else
is the greatest accomplishment.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
My hope this month and always is that we can all become more patient with and kind to one another. Even if we have many differences, there may be even more things that connect us. And if that thing that connects us is nothing more than the love of a soft muzzle and the smell of hay…and I think that’s a damned fine place to start.